How to Crash a Funeral

Monday, my uncle died from a massive heart attack. I’d like to say it was unexpected, but it wasn’t it. The week before, my mother mentioned him having chest pains. He was supposed to get a check up; he didn’t. The end results were family and friends getting together to bury him on Friday. After everything, I’m still expecting my mother to call and tell me about something foolish he’s done today. Folks… listen to your bodies. As much as I (and many others) like to procrastinates, sometimes it can be fatal.

But this post isn’t about check ups. No, no. This is about the odd things which happened surrounding his big day. You’ve heard of the wedding crashers… well we had a whole slew of funeral crashers. I am telling you folks, we had our own soap opera happening this week.

Today, I offer the quick and dirty on how you too can crash a funeral.

1. Make sure one angry vindictive ex-girlfriend finds out about the death. (I cannot express to you how important this part of the plan is, because it will have long-lasting repercussions.)
• Vindictive ex-girlfriend will immediately get on the phone and notify every other ex-girlfriend
• Vindictive ex-girlfriend will show up on your doorsteps and talk about all the lovely memories she had with the deceased in front of the deceased’s fiancee
• Vindictive ex-girlfriend will show up at the wake and act like a damned fool and block everyone else from viewing the body as she screams and cries (This must occur before the bereaved family arrives, so get your timing right. Otherwise some member of the family will act like a damned fool, snatch her by her raggedy hair, and beat her senseless.)
• Quietly sit in the front row at the wake, leaving the family clueless to what happened, then rush out the door as soon as it’s over and before word gets back to the family
2. Ex-girlfriends should coordinate so they can surprise the family at regular intervals with some inane memory which will upset the fiancee
3. Before the funeral ex-girlfriends should
• Ask if her brother can sing a solo
• Tell the funeral director she should be listed as the wife on the obituary
4. Ex-wives can have fun too!
• Talk about how wonderful your relationship was with your ex-husband and how you were practically best friends in front of the fiancee
• Plan your 17 hour trip so your timing arrives about a half hour before the funeral procession leaves, that way folks will have plenty of time to worry if you’ll make it on time
• Invite your brother to preach at the funeral without telling anyone and make sure he’s dressed in his hot black preacher clothes in 80 degree weather when everyone else is in business-like attire
• At the grave side, tell the deceased’s sister the funeral was inappropriate because your brother didn’t get to preach and your daughter (the youngest of all the children) didn’t get the flag
• Look stupid trying to find your own ride back
5. Fun to be had at the funeral
• Bring your cell phone, set your silly ringtone on high volume, and make sure you buddies call during the eulogy
• Bring a camera and start snapping pictures (This one’s a classic. No one will stop you! Trust me. Everyone will be too stunned and upset to do anything. Heck… our camera guy even hopped on the pulpit and got his photos from there.)

I could go on, but I think it’s best to keep at least a few things between family. Let me tell you, people. These last few days have been quite eventful. How about you share with me some outrageous things you’ve seen at funerals.